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marital therapy I also wish to acknowledge the contributions of Peggy Papp and Pepper Schwartz and their feminist approach to gender differences and egalitarian marriage, as well as the work of Ronald Levant and Alan Booth on men in families. I must also mention Clan Wile's work on marital therapy, with its superb focus on process. I love Wile ...
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- Myths
- What does make marriages work?
- Chapter 2 – how I predict divorce
- Principle 1: enhance your love maps
- Principle 2: nurture your fondness and admiration
- 4. Exercises in this book:
- Principle 3: turn towards each other and not away
- Exercises for this principle:
- Principle 4: let your partner influence you
- Exercises:
- Chapter 7 – the two kinds of marital conflict:
- Exercises:
- Chapter 8: Principle 5: solve your solvable problems
- Chapter 9: Coping with typical solvable problems
- Stress and more stress:
- Relations with the in-laws
- Money, money, money
- Sex
- Housework
- Becoming parents
- Chapter 10: Principle 6: Overcoming Gridlock
- Chapter 11: Principle 7: Creating shared meaning
- Your roles in life
- Personal goals
- Shared symbols
- Last chapter of the book: Afterword: what’s now?
- The Magic Five Hours:
- The Marriage Poop Detector:
- Forgive yourself
- Exercise:
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neurosis or personality problems ruin marriage: not true: we all have quirks! It is how you deal with them. common interests keep people together: it may or may not be true – but it is all in the “how” you do things together. reciprocity keeps a good relationship: WRONG!!!!! It is reciprocity – i.e. keeping a tab on things – which is BAD for the re...
Marriages are based on deep friendship - i.e. knowing each other‟s likes, dislikes, quirks, hopes and dreams. The main affective vectors (positive or negative “sentiment override”) –is the pervasive affect of the relationship. Those who have a positive sentiment override can live better with negative things in the relationship because the relations...
When the studies couples were in Gottman‟s „Love Lab‟, he asked them to argue and resolve a conflict. Findings show that it is not if they argue but how they argue that makes the difference in the relationship. Four signs of possible relational problems/divorce: Harsh startup - i.e. how discussions (especially emotion-laden topics) are started. Har...
The more you are familiar with your partner, the more intimacy happens. This is called having a love map of your partner. This helps maintain intimacy, and better prepares one to deal with stressful evens and conflict. Life-cycle transitions (=inherent stressors), such as bringing in children into the family, are also better handled as the couple a...
-work to increase/recall/unearth positive emotions about each other. The „fondness‟ and „admiration‟ aspects of couple relatedness are the antidote to contempt - it is a buffer to stressors due to a fundamentally positive view of each other. If current relational situation seems negative, the therapist may want to look to the past for positive time...
self-assessment to delineate the current state of ‘I appreciate...’ - listing things that one appreciates about the partner + Ground it in an incident - then share it with your partner. ‘the history and philosophy or your marriage- i.e. to highlight the positive history and the love/great expectations which brought the couple together.; ‘Seven Wee...
This principle is based on the idea of staying connected, and positively so. Turning towards each other in small interactions builds romance and connection beyond the cushioning of stresses - it is the small and regular interactions of turning towards each other. It adds to the “emotional bank account” and allows for greater leeway during conflict.
“is your marriage primed for romance?” – self-assessment to see the levels of romance/turning towards the partner The emotional bank account: keeping track of what you did to improve your connectedness, and subtract things you did not do (not to be done in a tit-for-tat way!). A discussion between the partners can take place as to which tasks will ...
-meant for a partner who is unwilling to share power/influence in the relationship. More of a male thing, but females can also fault with this principle. 81% of couples where the men do not do this – will self-destruct. Women tend to match or reduce negativity. Men tend to escalate it, usually with one of the four horsemen (criticism, contempt, def...
accepting influence questionnaire – true or false questions which assess how much a person is accepting his (or her) spouse‟s influence; exercise 1: ‘yield to win’-common conflict situations are given to the couple – i.e. understanding the request behind the apparent negativity, and intensity the emphasis on how important the issue is for the partn...
There are two kinds of marital conflict: solvable and unsolvable. Therefore, one must customize the coping mechanism to whether the conflict is at hand is solvable or not. 69% of conflicts fall into the „perpetual problem’ category. Perpetual problems are underlying assumptions and issues which cannot be grounded and fixed situationally. Resolving ...
assessing your marital conflicts questionnaire – asks about various marital issues, whether they are perpetual or solvable, and how the partners each enter to and deal with the conflict. Solvable issues are discussed in chapter 8. Perpetual issues are discussed in chapter 10. Exercise 1: „your last argument’: answering the questions [and then the c...
If a given disagreement is deemed solvable, then a couple has to try something different than unresolved arguments, screaming, yelling or angry silences. The classical advice of improving communication or suggestions of “try to put yourself in the others‟ shoes” does not work, because some people cannot. Nevertheless, those are not the essential co...
There are some “hot topics” of contention in each marriage, and one must remember to go beyond “lip service” to the notion that a marriage takes “work”. Once the issue at hand is indeed deemed to be a solvable issue, one must actually get to effective coping with it. Six common marital stressors and possible coping solutions are discussed in this c...
Task: making the marriage a place of peace. Issues include: i.e. bringing stress home from work. i.e. wife gets angry at husband for not doing groceries, so she is left without food after a long and crappy day at work, or comes home in a negative mood, it is likely not personal, and must not be taken as such. Solutions include: regular discussion...
Task: establishing a sense of “we-ness” or solidarity between husband and wife. Issues include: a person may be placed in a loyalty conflict between a family-of-origin member (i.e. parent) and spouse. The spouse and the family of origin member may want to be more, or try to compete with each other. Each side may think that the person does not love ...
Task: balancing the freedom and empowerment money represents with the security and trust it also symbolizes. Issues include: balancing pleasure and security. If disagreements over how money is handled goes beyond the newlywed stages of the marriage, it may be a sign of bad negotiation, new life-cycle stage, or a perpetual (unsolvable) problem, as u...
The task: fundamental appreciation and acceptance of each other. Issues include: sex has a huge potential for embarrassment, hurt and rejection. Therefore, couples often try to speak and negotiate with each other about it, but in very vague, indirect, imprecise and inconclusive terms. Solutions: learn to speak about sex in a safe way. Lovemaking wi...
The task: creating a sense of fairness and teamwork Issues include: the more house-orderliness oriented person will feel disrespected and unsupported if the other is oblivious to that person‟s home-orderliness. Resentment may kick in. sometimes, men do not appreciate [due to socializing] that women do so much of the home chores and may over-estimat...
The task: expanding your sense of “we-ness” to include your children Issues include: the move from couplehood to parenthood is a difficult one. Marital satisfaction reduces (usually first by the wife, and then the in the husband as a response). Reasons for this reduction in marital satisfaction include lack of sleep, lack of feeling appreciated, ad...
-gridlocks happen when people‟s life dreams [hopes, aspirations, wishes] for their life are not being addressed/respected by each other. Such deep dreams could include: sense of freedom Experience of peace Unity with nature Exploration of who I am Justice Honor Unity with the past Healing Spiritual journal Etc. When dreams are respected: couples ar...
-one can have a happy marriage, but some people look for a spiritual connection – finding meaning in the togetherness beyond the mere joint tasks of family life. Symbols and rituals are helpful. There is a family “culture‟ (which may change and the partners develop), which gives shared meaning to their sense of togetherness. There may be dreams tha...
-i.e. is there congruence between each partner‟s role values and views? i.e. if both partners are geologists, but one identified more with the profession and the other firstly identified with her gender. Therefore values have to be discussed beyond superficiality of apparent congruency – in order to work out significant value difference s (i.e. aro...
Personal goals are sometimes not delineated clearly to oneself, or to the other partner.
-i.e. symbols which have shared relational meaning.
-don‟t‟ worry too much about some missteps, as because you can look up the various elements of the book to get a roadmap back to the intimate relationship.
A PDF document that summarizes the key points of the book by John Gottman and Nan Silver, based on their research on happy and unhappy marriages. Learn about the four signs of divorce, the seven principles for building a positive sentiment override, and the myths and facts of marriage.
A PDF document that summarizes the key points of the book by John Gottman and Nan Silver, based on their research on happy and unhappy marriages. Learn about the four signs of divorce, the seven principles for building a positive sentiment override, and the myths and facts of marriage.
A PDF document that summarizes the key points of the book by John Gottman and Nan Silver, based on their research on happy and unhappy marriages. Learn about the four signs of divorce, the seven principles for building a positive sentiment override, and the myths and facts of marriage.
A PDF document that summarizes the key points of the book by John Gottman and Nan Silver, based on their research on happy and unhappy marriages. Learn about the four signs of divorce, the seven principles for building a positive sentiment override, and the myths and facts of marriage.
A PDF document that summarizes the key points of the book by John Gottman and Nan Silver, based on their research on happy and unhappy marriages. Learn about the four signs of divorce, the seven principles for building a positive sentiment override, and the myths and facts of marriage.
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By John Gottman. Principle 1: Enhance your Love Map. Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. Pay attention to what is going on with partner and what is important to him or her. Share your inner world and stories with each other.
5. Mai 2015 · Here is the culmination of that work: the seven principles that guide couples on a path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Straightforward yet profound, these principles teach...
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22. Nov. 2020 · the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work_202011 Identifier-ark ark:/13960/t8jf4kb1z Ocr ABBYY FineReader 11.0 (Extended OCR) Page_number_confidence 96.38 Ppi 300 Scanner Internet Archive HTML5 Uploader 1.6.4
A book by John Gottman that teaches couples how to build a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. It covers the concepts, behaviors, and skills based on scientific research and practical exercises.
13. Dez. 2011 · John Mordechai Gottman. Publication date. 1999. Topics. Marriage, Married people -- Psychology, Communication in marriage, Man-woman relationships. Publisher. Three Rivers Press. Collection. printdisabled; internetarchivebooks.
