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29. Aug. 2009 · Although it is difficult to define what constitutes excessiveness in love, characterizing love as "too much" implies that some damage has been done—either to the lover or the beloved. When...
- The Pain of Loving Someone More Than They Love You
Abigail Brenner M.D. In Flux. Relationships. The Pain of...
- The Pain of Loving Someone More Than They Love You
- Overview
- Physiological Reasons Why Love Hurts
- Emotional Reasons Why Love Hurts
- What to Do if Love Feels Painful
- Is it normal for love to hurt?
Is it normal for love to hurt?
Growing up, we’re often told that love brings eternal joy, warmth, and satisfaction…but that’s not always the case. Sometimes, love creates feelings of fear and discomfort. In this article, we’ll walk through several of the reasons love can also be associated with pain. We’ll explain the neurology and psychology behind it and offer some expert advice on coping. Remember: if love is causing you anguish, you’re not alone. Keep reading and you’ll see it can happen to anybody.
This article is based on an interview with our relationship coach, Luis Congdon.
Check out the full interview here.
When we fall in love, our bodies flood with chemicals that activate our pleasure center. This feels euphoric at first, but the withdrawals can be physically painful.
Love leads to an increase in cortisol (the stress hormone) which can trigger feelings of anxiety. This anxiety can be discomforting emotionally and physically.
Love creates feelings of stress and anxiety in the brain.
When you fall in love, your brain floods with chemicals that are associated with your body’s reward circuit. While these chemicals can activate feelings of passion, they also often trigger feelings of anxiousness. Your heart may start beating faster, blood may rush to your face, and you may start sweating.
In addition, when you’re in love, your body releases the stress hormone cortisol, which can trick your brain into thinking you’re in a crisis and send you into fight-or-flight mode.
Love can cause unpleasant intrusive thoughts.
When you first fall in love, hormones associated with attraction (testosterone, norepinephrine) take over which suppresses the amount of serotonin that your body receives.
Serotonin plays a major role in regulating depression and anxiety. Without enough serotonin, you’re more likely to experience scary impulsive thoughts.
When you fall in love, you might fear what comes next.
When you truly love someone, the stakes are high and it’s common to worry about the future. It’s likely you’ll stress that your partnership won’t work out or your love will start to fade at one point (even if it’s going well; you’re only human). This worry can be exhausting and painful.
Dealing with uncertainty in a relationship can feel scary, but try to stay open and communicative with your loved one. Show your affection through compliments, physical touch, and quality time. The closer you are, the less uncertain things will feel.
Love requires you to surrender control, which can feel scary.
In the early stages of your relationship, you lack the power to make your loved one love you back. Then, if you get together, you can’t help alleviate their pain or work through their struggles for them. No matter what, you have to give up control in some capacity which can feel frightening and uncomfortable.
Instead of focusing on what makes you feel powerless, try focusing on the things you have control over.
Accept the pain and joy of love as a complete experience.
Feeling pain when you’re in love can feel abrupt and scary, but recognize that feeling unsettled is part of the experience too. Rather than subscribing to the belief that love should make you feel completely secure, allow your feelings to flow naturally. And don’t forget the benefits of love too: attraction, romance, hope, companionship, trying to be a better person, the list goes on!
is to talk back to your inner critic. For example, if you notice yourself saying “They’re never going to love you back,” ask “Why not?” or even combat with “But I’m lovable. I’m kind, funny, and deserving of joy.”
and determine if the pain you’re experiencing is the natural emotional roller-coaster of love or if it’s rooted in something deeper. Is your anxiety due to low self-esteem or relationship insecurity? Spend some time by yourself each day to try to get to the bottom of these issues.
It’s totally normal and healthy to feel pain when you’re in love.
We often think that, because love is a traditionally joyous feeling, it’s less pure or true if we experience depression, anxiety, or even physical pain alongside it. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. Millions of people experience fear (and even physical hurt) due to love every day.
In fact, the emotional roller coaster you experience when you fall in love is a good sign your hormones are functioning healthily!
True love can be overwhelming, confusing—and totally incredible. So how do you know if you’ve been struck by cupid’s bow? With a little self-reflection, you can totally discover if your feelings are the real deal. Take our quiz to find out if you’re in love!
Woah. Did I just get hit with a ton of bricks?
I’ve got some butterflies, but I’ll keep my cool.
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30. Jan. 2020 · Can profound love be too much? “Where love is concerned, too much is not even enough. ” —Pierre De Beaumarchais. In my recent book, The Arc of Love: How Our Romantic Lives Change Over Time,...
13. Okt. 2023 · If it seems like you love them too much, you might be feeling extra clingy lately because your relationship has taken over your life! This happens to the best of us – we spend all our time with our partner and then rely on them more and more to fulfil us, often by seeking constant emotional and affectionate intimacy.
29. Apr. 2024 · Yes, love can be too much for someone if it becomes overwhelming, suffocating, or unhealthy. When love is excessive or expressed in a way that disregards the other person's boundaries and needs, it can have negative consequences and be distressing.
